Justin S. Lewis

Long day. Disappointing. The Artworks photographer came in today with Erin Clark but they totally ignored the process of what we do which means I don’t think they got a single photo of me working. I’m at Mom’s. Got a txt from T-mobile that the automatic payment for the sidekick didn’t go thru. Sent it on to Steven but he says he’ll sort it out tomorrow. I’ve a feeling that he can’t and won’t be able to pay. As each day goes by I feel more and more like I am really wasting my time. Keri is probably right and I feel like a tool. this is so depressing. After all the work I’ve done. I worry daily. This can’t go on. By Friday, I must make some kind of stand. Tonight I will meditate on this and decide what I’m going to do. Feel torn. On one hand I would like to continue working for Steven because I really like what I do. But on the other hand he has to pay me. I don’t want to be on SSDI forever. I dread the mail. Every day I come home expecting a letter from Social Security saying they’re cutting me off. It could happen. I don’t want the last 2 years to be wasted. I feel like it may turn out that way. What can not happen is losing Keri. I will if I let this drag out too long. What I think I’ll do is give Steven until year’s end, if that. That’s probably too generous. My problem is I don’t know how to broach the subject. With either. I want to ask Ker’s opinion but I know she wants no part. God. Gold. Is there God? What do I do?

Keri is here and we are about to go to Skyler’s first concert at PG Middle School. He has been learning how to play the clarinet for months now.

Just after midnight and instead of U2 we are listening to Gorillaz. Both bands are great but U2 will always be my favorite. Good music. Good people.

We are still at the studio and it doesn’t look like Keri is any closer to starting a painting. Lots of false starts wiped away with a rag.

I’m actually hungry again even thought I ate an entire bag of potstickers earlier. Ramen? I bet Chuck’s starvin’ and can’t wait for us to get home.

RIDE ‘EM COWGIRL! YIPPEE KI YO KI YAY! YEE HAW!

Still Tuesday. Long day. Actually made $60 from Mom but I have to go back tomorrow after work to do the kitchen closet. No biggee. Skyler has a concert at 7 I’d like to go see.

Monday. Last few hours I’ve been busy cleaning up the studio and gathering images for collage. Keri has just left to go take her ASL final. She has definitely passed the course. Stuck in a Moment playing. I don’t plan on going in to the sculpture studio tomorrow. Instead I’m off to earn 50 bucks from Mom by cleaning out the living room closet that’s packed full of crap. 3 or 4 years of crap. Somewhere in there is the modem card for the old powerbook laptop I have. Probably won’t do much good. Today was slow. I only put 4 hours in before heading here. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for.

Been gathering images for hours while Keri struggles to paint. She’s thinking too much.

The plan is set or tomorrow.  I’ll be at Mom’s for the day. $50! Sure will come in handy. Just over one week until my monthly check comes in. God! I hate this. I’m 32 and still not financially stable. I’ve just emailed Steven to let him know I won’t be in til wednesday. That’s when the photographer from Artworks is supposed to come in. He is being featured in the next issue. Hopefully that will bring in some business. He hasn’t said anything about what he plans to do. I’ve got to do something soon. I feel torn. I’m sure Keri would think I’m nuts. Ha ha.

Looks like Keri has found her new CASSIE KENNEDY. I won’t disturb her genius. I think she’s absolutely brilliant even when she may not think so. Incredibly talented! Keri is a real inspiration to me. Damn! She wiped it. Heh. She’ll drive herself crazy if she doesn’t learn how to turn off that damn inner critic that says NO NO NO NO NO! Kill the critic within!

Yesterday, I watched the movie Hidalgo which is about this horseman Frank Hopkins who supposedly raced across the Arabian desert in the 1890’s to win the money needed to buy all the remaining mustangs of the Sioux Indians massacred at Wounded Knee. Good movie I thought. Touching at the end when he sends his horse Hidalgo to live free with the other mustangs. The horses were to be slaughtered by the US government I guess so the Indians wouldn’t be able to have them. Who knows. What I do know is that our stupid government still hasn’t cleansed its bad karma in regard to what the white man did to the Native American. White man suck.

Sunday 1:13 am. and we’re still at the studio. I’ve just finished helping Mary Rose put together 1/2 of this huge flat file she’s brought to the studio. In the morning she and Matt bring the top half. I had the idea that she put her desk on top and use the tall swivel chair. May be too high but cool if it worked. Listening to some kind of trance-like club music. Keri spent most of the day practicing piano. We went to Music Unlimited earlier and she bought a Ben Folds piano book for Songs for Silverman and a chord chart that’s definitely coming in handy. I brought in my guitar and U2 books for some variety.

Mary Rose has just left for the night. Keri’s finally on a roll with a new painting.

Eve. I started a new set of rubber stamps. One for each day of the week. I should try making others that I’d use often. Months. Year. Moods. In the early afternoon, Felicia and I are going to the dump to look for stuff to turn into art. I’m also looking for posts for the bed so Keri and I can build the damn thing. I’m wishing we had Gorillaz here to listen to. The first one. The second may be here somewhere. Anyway, not sure if Mom is coming tomorrow or not but I think it would be cool to just hang with Felicia since I hardly get to see her since she moved here. I’m glad she’s here now. We need to get Garrett out here. If his girlfriend Emily transfers  to school out here he might. I wish we were all as close as we used to be. Time and distance happens with everyone. I miss the closeness I shared with all my old friends and I’m thankful for what I have now.

It’s late. It’s early. Depends on your point of view but to me it’s 1:49 a.m. Almost time to head home. Keri works tomorrow. After my dump trip I want to get the house cleaned up before it gets too messy again. Keri and I were just trying to play a duet version of Imagine on the piano. It’s so cool that we have a real piano to use here in the studio.

11:30 a.m. I’m showered and dressed and hungry. Tempted to go spend the last of my money on food but I really want to save it for coffee tomorrow. Another week and a half til my monthly check comes in. That’s pretty much spent already. Fuck. I hate being poor. Ok gettin’ food before a headache comes on.

I await Mom’s arrival home so we can head over to Homescapes for the annual holiday party. I’m hungry. Spent the day working in Dad’s gallery where it was unbelievably slow. Only one potential customer came in about 10 minutes before closing. No sale. I never sell anything.

I can hardly wait to see Keri. We’re thinking of going to SF right after xmas for a couple days in the Green Tortoise hostel. We need a vacation badly.

Mom is home but taking her time getting ready. I’m starvin’! She did give me a bag of foam board/matboard and pieces of wood frames for books. From her friend Louise who we drank Tequila shots with a couple weeks ago.

After midnight and the power is out. We had to call PG&E to come check on the power line. Power has been flickering a lot lately and in the past few days it has knocked the computer out a few times. Keri and I sit here in the silent candlelight writing in our journals. Must sleep soon since I’ve an earlier day today. Erin Clark from Artworks/KSBW is coming in again or at least a photographer for the mag is to shoot photos of us working in the studio. Later in the day members of the Cannery Row Co. board may come by. Steven was (maybe still is) about to get evicted from the studio and gallery tomorrow for $7000 back rent past due. He ran off to see Ted B. this afternoon to talk them out of it. What really will happen remains to be seen. The power just came back on and I can see again.

Best of U2 I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For on but skipping! Grr. So much for that. We’re in the bedroom now for the last episode of Roseanne for the night.

Evening…and I’m a bit buzzed. Free drinks at Sly’s thanks to Chris. Slow day and I feel I’m postponing the inevitable. I feel sad and melancholic. Miles and John in my head.

Keri and I keep thinking about Jim. I really wish I had met the guy. He had so many friends and a life people dream of.

Gettin’ ready to go see “What’s Buggin’ Seth?” at the State Theater. Movie about hard of hearing guy like me set in Monterey.

Tomorrow I work at Dad’s. Probably won’t sell a thing. I never do. But at least I’ll get paid. Actually already paid. I do feel bad tho since I owe Dad money but I need the money. Things have to change soon.

DAMN! That movie was good. I was laughing throughout because I could totally relate to everything going on with the main character. Seth Singer is a deaf man like me. Funniest scene was the sex scene with the double amputee girl, Alma. Fuckin’ hilarious. After the movie we met the director and I told him how much I related to the movie. The entire thing was filmed here in Monterey and Spreckels so it was a trip to walk out of the theater onto the actual movie location.

Tired and hung over this morning. I feel like I’ll never have another drink again… but that’s probably not true. We made it up to Sac last night around 7 and went straight to the wake for Jim. There were a lot of people there. All drunk and sad. I felt like an outsider even tho Heidi is my friend. A strange experience to end the week. I found out later from Keri that Jim had hung himself in the garage.

I feel sick. Too much to drink and not enough sleep to sleep it off. We’re at Andy’s now, where we spent the night.

Later…

We’re back at Jim’s house for the second wake. He had so many friends that it’s just sad that he felt he had to take his life. Keri told me that Jim had cleaned the house and did the dishes before he hung himself in the garage. His dad found him. His dad had come over to take him to the doctor for new depression meds. Apparently, he had switched his meds a couple weeks ago and went into a downward spiral. So he put everything in order before his dad arrived. I can’t even imagine the pain they must feel.

Keri says that Heidi feels so guilty. She and Jim were no longer together and had been fighting a lot. He was lashing out at everyone. Keri is worried that Heidi could easily go on some drinking binge to avoid her emotions.

I sit in isolation. I don’t know these people. I didn’t know him.

Everyone here is a hipster. Style abounds. As cool as that is, I can’t wait to leave.

-transcribed from paper journal “As The Crow Flies”